Exhaustion, my old friend,
how time has changed your looks.
Drooping eyes from yesteryear,
shaped to the sensation of my heart, a lemon,
and you, awaiting a fresh glass of juice.
The lingering of your grip
once left a sandman’s delight to now
the 3 am witching hour of nightmares.
For age molds us all to be made up of
memories of yore, a closed eye outline
of childish all-nighters for the trade-off of an A.
Today lies the simple realization that sleep may
lead to one less day and a compromise to watch
my love’s eyes shut and hear his breathing in. A knowing
exchange for a later day’s panic attack.

Exhaustion, my old friend, you paint different colors
for our years.  My wrinkles and your crippling effect.
In either case, I cannot seem to shake you, always
returning to remember your touch and absorb
your cold and engulfing wave. You whisper a
Siren’s song and I am lost to find my way back to shore.
Forgetting that the rest may replace the weary and
allow the feared blink to bring a stronger, sturdier sight.
In the morning I will vow to remember, at the next
tempting promise of missed opportunity, the lies you tell.

Exhaustion, my old friend, you know me better than this
untruth.  For in the coming test, I will fall back to you.
For in the silence of the night, we dance.


Today…Again and again

Today, for a moment, the world stopped.
A heartbeat stuck in time.
A second to replay again and again
and again.
Pause.  Believe in the rewind…
yet the button permanently broke
A now-ache to become another accustomed tattoo;
unwashable, unblending.

Today the realm of wisdom ceased.
A world unknown ventured into awareness.
A whisper unheard to hear again and again
and again.
Pause. Believe in the silence.
find the signs in the every day, passable seconds.
A now-secret to become the sole truth of you;
faithfully unquestioning.

Today, no other horror existed, save only
A view without you.
A dagger in my chest twisting again and again
and again.
Pause. Believe in the power of the circle…
for we return to dust and with no bonds, dust flies.
A now-understanding of a yearly ritual,
heavily unfiltered.

Today, a new halo was placed upon a spirit so fragile.
An angel whose scathed body now new.
A Soul stretching her beautiful, unchained wings again and again
and again.
Pause. Breathe you in.
watch as my clasped hands and silent words find you.
A now-guardian to protect and guide us;
unyielding, unending.

Today, I miss you.
Again and Again and Again.


To Kneel or Not to Kneel… that’s not the question

This spoke to me today:

Proverbs 31:8-9 “Speak up for those who cannot speak for themselves, for the rights of all who are destitute./Speak up and judge fairly; defend the rights of the poor and needy.”

Is it how I would do it; no. Should it spark a question on why? Yes. Should it make you stop and reflect? Yes. Is it a freedom that is allowed in this country? Yes. Do you have to agree? No.

Does the amount of money they make matter? Yes because now they have the platform to speak up for those who cannot. Just because someone is an athlete or musician or performer does not mean they are no longer a human who can see injustice and call it out. They do not lose their right to freedom of speech because of their pay grade. This does not also mean you have to agree with them or not speak your mind either.

But please, stop being divisive and attacking. Do you not see that is adding to the problem? Have a conversation. Stop reading articles that sensationalize to get you to click. They are trying to get you upset so you share and they get more hits and therefore, more money.

From where I stand, when I see sports teams take a knee it is because someone is injured. They face that person, wait quietly, and acknowledge the injury while respecting the injured. It seems to me by taking a knee, facing the flag, waiting silently, they are saying there has been a massive injury on our country’s part. Because they love everything this country stands for, they are saying there are people out there that are still hurting daily because we are not there.

If someone cannot see there are groups in this country severely marginalized, they are not paying attention. Just look at the choice words on Facebook.

I read a post today from a family member who says they see no racism and I know where they live – I’ve heard their neighbors say “those colored ….”. I’ve heard them say the N word. I’ve heard the community say “he is nice enough for a colored person.” I’ve walked into a restaurant with a person of middle eastern ancestry and had the entire restaurant go quiet and stare at us through the meal. Yet – she sees no racism where she lives.

If you can’t understand where someone is coming from, why this matters so much they feel the need to draw this level of attention, I beg of you to stop being more interested in being right than understanding. If we want to move forward as a country, we have to listen – really listen and not listen to purely debate. This is basic communication and based upon divorce rates and therapy, we clearly lack in this department.

I get the anger – I stand for the pledge and anthem. I co-lead a troop of girls and we stand and speak of why it is important to. Some family and many of my friends are military and I am in debt to them daily for their bravery to allow us these rights and the sacrifice they live. Personally, I would not chose not standing as my method. That does not mean I do not understand why they did. I do not live in their shoes or their friends and until I do, it is my responsibility to seek to understand and help. It is all of ours. And it is also their right.

Seek to understand.

Meanwhile – keep reading. Recognize division of people means other people can play with that power and sneak in. Common theme in childhood games – turn everyone against a person to diminish their influence. Don’t allow that. Unity is always better. Disagree without calling names. Disagree and still understand a viewpoint.

We are the United States of America. When people try to divide us, we band together, we acknowledge differences and we reach out our hands. Band together, America. An injury does not mean it can’t heal but if you ignore it’s there, it can breed infection. We are stronger than that. Understand for now they may have to kneel and then clap when we can ALL stand back up.


choose Love

Choose Love


When you can look into a computer screen and type words of hate, you are a part of the problem.

When you can typecast an entire population by the acts of a few, you are a part of the problem.

When you can refuse to look at your own history, or that of your ancestors, you are a part of the problem.

When you can justify the genocide of a race, you are a part of the problem.

When you can only post news of corrupt officers, ignoring the many just and good, then you are a part of the problem.

When you can call a woman a murderer without attempt to understand a situation, you are a part of the problem.

When you can label another a sinner, with no regard to its underlying message of evil and unworthy, you are a part of the problem.

When you can tell another they are wrong in their beliefs and you are right, with zero acknowledgement that if there is one God and He loves all His children and maybe, just maybe, he gave them what they needed to believe, then you are a part of the problem.

When you can turn away from a story of a family risking everything, including each other, to flee from a place of torture and unmeasurable lows, to slam the door because you have enough of your own issues, you are a part of the problem.

When you can see love that is not your love, that may not subscribe to the same ideas you do and you can say it is less than, it is wrong, it is abnormal, you are a part of the problem.

When you stop listening and only hear, when your opinion is set before a person speaks, you are a part of the problem.

When you can see life in black and white and ignore the vibrant, loud, neon and sometimes dull colors and refuse to acknowledge that the blends can create a messy, complicated portrait, you are a part of the problem.

When you stay silent because it does not affect you, when you chose to not get involved, you are a part of the problem.

When you ignore the need for intervention and assume someone else will act, allowing your focus to be elsewhere on more pleasant sights, you are a part of the problem.

When you chose to not give to help fund programs to change the opportunities for the underprivileged, you are a part of the problem.

I can no longer be a part of the problem.

“Faith, Hope and Love – and the greatest of these is LOVE.”

“Love is patient, Love is kind. It does not envy; it does not boast. It is not proud. It does not dishonor others. It is not self-seeking. It is not easily angered; it keeps no records of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices in truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preservers. Love never fails.”

LOVE. Love is NOT a feeling. LOVE is an ACTION.

When did our country, we did WE, stop following this? It seems there is a score – a big score – being kept. There is a major US VERSUS THEM issue. There is a damning amount of unkind words, actions. There is no seeking of truth, only of justification for why a person is right.

A dear friend wrote me, “I applaud you and your family for embracing people as they are and not by their skin color.”

This is NOT applaudable. This is being HUMAN. We have come to a point where my not judging you has become applaudable…where my NOT judging you based on the color of flesh, my not judging you if you prefer to date a man or a woman, my not judging you based on your profession of being a police officer or otherwise, my not judging you if you have taken Plan B, birth control or had an abortion, my not judging you if you are Jewish or Christian, Hindu or Muslim, atheist or agnostic, or otherwise… that my not judging you it is applaudable.


It is okay if you do not think like me, but I will not DISHONOR you for not. I am sure if you are still reading, you either agree or are angry at me… “what about the corrupt, what about ISIL, what about our jobs, what about those with no voice, what about…”

And the greatest of these is LOVE.

Do not confuse my words; not judging is not the same as not caring.

I CARE that my kids have friends who will be looked at with judgement because of their ancestry.

I CARE that our friends who wear a badge have to worry they are targeted because they wanted to keep people safe.

I CARE that my friends have to work three times as hard because their skin wasn’t the right shade.

I CARE that despite she is brilliant, my daughter may never reach as high and someone will tell her it is okay because others have it worse.

I CARE about my friends who have had to make heart wrenching, life altering choices that left scars forever to be ripped open with every careless, thoughtless post painted with words of murderer.

I CARE that my Christian friends have to bear the brands the extremist place on them. I CARE my Jewish/Hindu friends have to feel ostracized when people continuously post that this is a Christian country. I CARE when my Native America friends have to be reminded, yet again, that no, it wasn’t such until so much brutality happened and they are forgotten, again.

I CARE when my friends who came here for a better life have to listen to others say they do not belong.

I CARE when my friends who love a person of the same gender have to worry that if the wrong person observes them, they will be beat or killed.

So, so, so many issues….so, so, so many judgments…but stop – are you LOVING that person. Are WE loving that person or each other… or are we judging. Are we seeking truth and understanding or are we seeking to prove our point?

A long time ago someone said to me, “you cannot be logical with the illogical…you cannot rationalize the insane.”

The majority of those who are receiving this are neither insane or illogical. They are your friends, it is you, it is me, it is our neighbor, it is our family….and this lack of grace, lack of truth seeking, lack of understanding, lack of empathy, lack of putting aside deep beliefs to truly listen, lack of care, lack of LOVE, this allows seeds of hate.

Which seeds will you chose to spread?

We have come to a time when a single thought can cause a fight and that fight can lead to hate… where is the Love?

We love our family; we love our friends; we love….?

Do we love those unlike us? Do we seek to understand what we don’t? This is so layered, we must start somewhere and expect it will leave us breathless.

Take the soldier who must shoot the child who carries a bomb because they have been taught that the recipient is pure evil. All forever scarred. Forever hate. New seeds are spread. Where do we start? How do we begin to repair what we did not start centuries before? Each in their own mind had just cause – but do we ignore all sides and pick one or do we seek to understand truth to change the future?

Take the child who has been underprivileged since birth, beat up, reprimanded for making a go at education and bettering herself to be raped, pregnant and now condemned for a life as a 14 year old mother with no money or family to help and no outside resources because “she should be able to figure it out” and “no one gave me a handout” and she has no reproductive choices because we took them away. Now, she is left scuffed at and judged when she uses WIC in the store. Or she did have a choice and went on to become an active member of society but bears a scarlet letter. What seeds are spread in both?

Take the beautiful child born to a white mother and Mexican father who is showing promise in sports and education. Because of recent news, she is now being openly told to go back to her country and her father, who works until midnight for his family (legally), is branded as a rapist and a druggie. The child is young and goes home sobbing to a mother who has to try to explain. OR this never happens but the mother is reading the comments on Facebook and in social media and fears for her child. What seeds are spread in both?

Is there pure evil? I believe, yes, there are people who are just awful and have given in to being hateful, but mostly there are good people who had to make terribly difficult, hearth wrenching choices. There are good cops; there are bad. There are good cops who had to react and will forever regret. There are good people who get caught up in crowd-mentality. There are people who have been fed an idea so long they never considered another. But how we react now matters; how we react helps to determine what seeds are sown.

Where is our social obligation? Where is our moral obligation? Are we really loving each other as a VERB….do we Love them when we brand them?

It is difficult to Love another when your own ego is involved. It becomes harder to Love when the person you are trying to Love demonstrates hate or judgement. How do you open your heart when the person in front of you is holding a pitchfork.

I’m sorry….
I’m sorry to every person who has or has children who will be treated poorly due to their skin. Your soul and mine have no color and I am sorry that people seem to feel that if it did, it would matter.

I’m sorry to every person who has had to carry the unbearable weight of a secret of who they love, terrified truth would bring retaliation and hatred.

I am sorry to every person who entered an occupation with the most honest and commendable intents only to be targeted for attempting to uphold safety.

I am sorry to every person who has to read keyboard crusaders’ comments and has been led to spend a night alone crying against a bathroom door.

We must change – all of us.

I am choosing Love.